Torn but still alive.

School.

2011-04-08T17:16:00.002+08:00

Since last week, I've been fetching my youngest sister back from school everyday.

It is always delightful to see how the young ones enjoy their school.

Seriously, the joy of going to school, anticipating every tomorrow.

I guess, the school itself plays an important role in this too.

I can't help but to miss those moment back in primary and secondary school.

It is so different now, you can't spend time day by day, you have to make major decision unlike those times where our biggest worries perhaps is our examination.

I know I have to move on, stop depending on the people around and move on.

Things will change, circumstances will change, perhaps the people that you mix around with will change too.

I'm on crossroads now. I have dreams, but there's always obligation and obstacles.

When you know God has plans for you, do you still make every effort to try the impossible?

When you hate being somewhere so much, will God put you there, evenmore?

Will it be better to sacrifice my own dreams, to lessen the burden on someone else?

So many to ponder on. So much to think. So much of worries.

So much of fear.

2011-02-27T12:57:00.002+08:00

Ever have some situation where you just can't get along with someone, even if he/she does nothing wrong to deserve that?

Or, at the sight of someone you get irritated? Frustrated?

I have. Till a point I think that he/she deserve it. [ As if I think I'm right ]

But then as time passes and I enter into the same phase he/she is going through

I begin to understand the many little things and actions I used to judge and dislike

Things that irritates me, frustrates me

We really don't have the right to judge them if we are not in their position

Perhaps the same applies to parents?

While in our teenage-rebellious period now we have all the reasons to complain about the nags and advises they gave

They have their reason for doing so, it all meant well isn't it?

Someday I will enter adulthood too haha.

Who knows I maybe the next target of being judged right.

Let's not judge. But respect one another.

Next Step.

2011-02-24T00:20:00.002+08:00

Got my results two days ago. Praise the Lord for whatever He has given me, truly thank the Lord for His faithfulness all the way through Form 6!

Well, what's next?

Future doctor?

You know, I'm really tired of the way people look at me and their expectations.

Don't I have the freedom to choose something I want to study?

Should I obey authorities or my passion?

Should I follow the norm of everyone?

Whatever it maybe, I know it is a tough journey ahead.

And now it is a different phase of life altogether.

We used to not to worry about our future because during primary, we eventually go into the secondary, and likewise for everything, till we reach the phase of life where applications and interviews and so on is all that matters.

Well I guess this is when adulthood starts?

Stress right.

I pray that the Lord will reveal His plans and ways every step of the way.

Between letting go and holding back.

2011-01-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

I, I really feel terrible now.

When you allow things to grow with time, it becomes ain't easy to let go

And for such a long time I've been naively thinking I can still have a close relationship with the Lord with all these

And I've been so selfish, fulfilling all my desires but forgot the One who can truly meet all my needs.

And with this, I know I've to bear the consequences of my decision

What more, a broken friendship, which requires time to heal.

Sigh, I think back, I felt for once, as if I'm the most sinful person of the world

As if all the while I've been a disappointment to all my friends without realizing

And worse of all I hurt many people with my actions..

It's tough for me, it really is. I feel terrible when I made a mistake, what more those who affect the people around me. I feel condemned.

And all the while I've been giving myself excuses to hide and console myself from all the mistakes.

And to walk out of that condemnation, to let go, and stop compromising to my own needs, is perhaps the greatest lesson the Lord wants me to learn this season..

I do not like hurting friends, but by making myself so-called-perfect in front of them, I've unknowingly hurt them and disappoint them. I've been making myself a fool. Really.

And the truth is, being ultimately honest with each other, is perhaps what true friends is about: not to condemn one another, but to help each other to grow. Not being perfect in each other's eyes, but to see the imperfections, and love each other.

Where else can I turn? but to the love of God?

2011-01-23T14:53:00.000+08:00

Well when you grew older, especially now that I'm not schooling anymore, You realized many things were not as expected. Especially on the things that in the past you assumed it's the right thing to do. Things change? Needs change from time to time too? And when all the so-called right things were done, the only thing you can do now is perhaps, admit that you're wrong, seek forgiveness, let go and stop condemning yourself? Well. It's perhaps one of God's test on me. And...I think I failed it seriously...when all I need now is the courage to let it go. Also, to bear the consequences. Things get tougher when you're older, consequences get worser too. I've been working at my dad's clinic for quite sometime. The hectic life of it, morning till night, doing your job and caring for the patients, it's really not easy. And I realized for that moment, the reasons for many of his behaviour we once complained about, and everything was so clear. Very guilty about how we treated him in the past. I know he worked very hard for us, the fact that he has been supporting us for ten twenty years us not as easy as I think. This is a great experience, for giving me a glimpse of his life.. And of course understanding him in person even more. Nothing comes easy, and I know whatever future it may be, It will not be as easy as the past. Same goes with letting go, forgiving.

The Day I was Born.

2010-11-17T15:58:00.003+08:00

17 Nov 1991.

It's been 19 years.

And now one more year, I'm entering into so-called-adulthood.

Fast huh?

Time passes super fast, this may be the last time I'm celebrating as a student in Kluang.

But I thank God for these fruitful 19 years

Having also a bunch of great YFers to hang out with

Schoolmates whose laughter never fail the "real fun school life"

Most of all, my dear ones in my family who always provide, always caring

Forever understanding :)

Well, I guess, life still have to move on yea?

Impossible to stay on the same page forever, memories are there to remember for.

Greater things are yet to come

I hold on that even if I'm leaving this wonderful place with wonderful people soon

the Lord still bless each of that relationships

In His Time, in His Plan.

Into the 19th year, Lord, be my guide.

Not in school.

2010-10-21T10:17:00.002+08:00

Alright, so I'm not in school today, where I'm supposed to be in the classroom now.hehe.

Listening to Brooke Fraser's Albertine. Reaally nice! =D

All of a sudden, cant help but to envy those successful people, no matter in areas of music, life or just simply everything.

Really hope to be like them.

Or, can't help but to "hope" to have a little of their talent.

Talents that bring you far and deep.

People always say : " Everyone is different. Each has a talent within, you have a great potential, etc."

But then. Should I even believe it?

When talent is not found

Or rather, one potential you have, that is really "unique"?

God-given talents, when does it prevails?

Will it be your life?

Is it even worth to think about what to do, when you cannot really find a talent within?

Some thoughts.

Usual is unique

2010-10-14T00:25:00.002+08:00

It's been quite some time since I go supper with family

And, it's those time where I felt happy for a moment

being able to gather together happily

Even with the continuous routine of going to school, come back, do homework, etc

For once, I felt it's those normal-normal moments which are unique in my heart.

Life does not need to much self-initiated activities or over-participating of gatherings to make it radiant and look alive

The nature of life itself, God-given, is already special, unique, the routines stand out more colourfully than all other.

Let life goes on a slow pace, and you will realised there are far too many things we missed

In our pursue of success and excellence, and of status and popularity

Despite all these, what's important is rather the unseen, than the seen.

Too often, we concentrate on all the things on the outside

But neglect those relationships that maintain the heartbeat.

And when all things failed,

Relationships, are the one who keep us going.

So let's keep it going, that it'll be able to keep us going.=)

Thursday afternoon.

2010-10-07T15:12:00.005+08:00

7 oct 2010. 3.30pm.

Alright so exam finished around a week ago and I'm in the "relax-relax" mood..

Yet I know the fact that the real thing is coming real soon in less than a month's time.

Struggling between work and play, balancing between fun and studies and fellowship is no doubt one of the toughest thing to do.=S

Got back from school, youngest sister pulled over a superlong sad face, thought she was having so-called quarrel with her friends, little did I know she took out a trophy from the closet later, what a surprise from a 6-year-old..

We had photo-shooting session in school today where everyone is to be on the year-end book. This maybe the last photo shoot with our uniforms on together, or, our last photo with identity as students. It was fun, though the waiting time tired out almost half of them. Wont have such next time anymore, can't believe we gonna finish our form 6 in two months time..

Cousins in US and NZ kept asking me about my plans next year, also, asking me when I'm going over [ sounds more like a promotion of the country they staying in to me.==.haha!] Parents and family members also asked the same thing. So I thought about it and I can't really figure out. I don't want to be follower of other people's expectation for me, but I really want to do something I like to do. Problem is, even I myself have no idea what I like..==..

So, cousin asks me to visit US during May June next year, sounds exciting, I wanna go but I don't think I should plan it now yet, what if something else pops out of nowhere by that time. But I really want to do so, I want to go around the world.=D

Okay! I guess, it's not the right time to think about it, let God's plan flow above mine.=)

Flaws?

2010-09-26T17:29:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I ALWAYS feel that I'm not good enough.

Not good enough for anything

Always think that : people will do a better job than I do

and even to a state I felt as if I'm really useless

The things that happen around

makes me question my existence

I know I make mistakes, and fail....

and constant verbal rebuke makes self-condemnation even stronger, in me

Sometimes I cant understand

why people only see the weaknesses but not the good?

It is really difficult to accept my flaws

whatmore, the responsibility given, where I could have done much better

I wish...I wish....what if....I could have....

Too much of these, as if I can change the past

[Irreversible]

Nothing could change what had happened and that's it.

It's really tough to accept the [me] in the history

Trying to accept

Christ lives in me and no longer me!

Grace defines who we are, not the worldly labels.

Ah.

2010-09-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

Ah. I'm desperate for a heart of righteousness, of discernment.

And of any possible solution that will solve those uncertainty and questions.

Who should I hear to?

Lord I'm desperate for Your Voice, in midst of all the chaos.

people

2010-08-19T23:29:00.002+08:00

Ever experience disappointment?

That kind of disappointment, when you try so hard and put in so much effort in one matter

Yet nobody seems to care, or like

You are the wierdo who have a strong desire and passion towards something

Ever experience that kind of sadness

When your hope and desire, your effort and all, hoping people would respond

end up, well, not that really well.

I'm just very frustrated at one point

I know I shouldn't be

But I just can't stand it

I know one who serve shall not hoping for repay in return

I don't really feel supported

And with every failure, smiled through hoping that the next will be better somehow

You know that kind of feeling, when your mum keep calling you out for dinner

but you just refused to respond to, likewise many times.

How would you expect her to react?

Maybe, people are different..

Maybe, people are just different from each other.

I tell myself

No matter what the response may be

I shall not give up

Shouldn't let that one-time-anger destroy that heart

The seas of people are important

Keep knocking on their door

I trust that one day they will see.

Dependency

2010-07-22T22:11:00.003+08:00

Without knowing the reason, I somehow felt that I've enter another phase of life.

Somewhere between no exact changes but it's different.haha.

Well, it is REALLY four months to go.

And...

Things seem so different from the past

Everything, including my perspective and my stand

and even in the happiest-weekly-gathering

Once was a place where I felt family warmth as a young one

And now, everybody has to grow up

and everybody has to take over

Learnt alot from being a "so-called-old-one"

Once the familiar dependency on someone older as our support

Become some fade-off memories in which we need to grow up

No doubt everyone needs support and dependence

But also, no doubt everyone cannot have some sort of that dependence, forever

Yeah, there is no such thing as forever [other than God lah]

I think "change is the only thing unchangeable" this statement is true lor.

We need to grow up

And it is a rather sad thing for most of us

Coz we want to stay where we are

The most comfortable spot

Where we keep on receiving and receiving

Being nurtured and nurtured

But has no chance to give back and nurture the younger generation

So, grow up!!!

I don't believe things will get any easier from now on

And I don't believe we are able the experience that "baby-like-treatment" anymore

It's a process all have to go through

Before I learn to grow up

I need to learn how to shake off that comfortable ground.

Me, terimakasih ada keluarga=)

2010-06-18T01:04:00.002+08:00

Thankful for a family

Thankful for the close-ness

Thankful for the great reunion and comeback

after a period of "losing contact" during my early secondary year

It is a unique fellowship

a beautiful wonderful trip

much inspired and realized

what those living under protected roof would not experience

a different side of life

another view between survivorship and satisfaction

Living in a foreign place is never easy

living as a more "individualistic" identity?

Undeniable, that those who experienced the real world

see more, grow more, think more, more matured?

Went through five days

and experienced their life

malls[=)], food, tv..

One thing i realized is

they really emphasize on entertainment?

without shopping mall, people nothing to do?

haha

I'm grateful for such experiences

[God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been.]

so what comes?

2010-06-05T01:05:00.002+08:00

Exams finally over!

What a week, what a moment

Realized lots of imperfection within

Though knowing human can't be perfect

Last minute work suddenly made me superfearful of what is to come

Seriously, I have no idea why I got myself into bio

Maybe, following the flow of circumstances becomes my reason

Regrets comes and goes often-ly

Especially those times when I just can't force myself to love what I study

What comes?

Taking things too shallow-ly and not serious

Taking things for granted

His sufficient Grace becomes my excuse instead of my motivation

Now it is a whole new phase

My perspective and thoughts have changed compared to like two years ago

Starting to think 'seriously' about futures

Even, struggling to make a difference

in people's life at least before leaving hometown

In the past, these things do not seem so important with the thinking of 'i can do it next time'

But then

these fears and futures become so overwhelming recently

I can't stop but to wonder where will I go from here

His Hope. not that revealing, not that obvious?

I do not want to miss the stop where His call matches His gift.

heart attack.

2010-06-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

Mid-year exam? Better off for me to die.

Seriously, speechless.==

[Stupid me.]

Emergency

2010-05-20T21:04:00.003+08:00

There are many prodigal sons
On our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People’s hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures

This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

There are schools full of hatred
Even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation
In it’s state of desperation
For Your glory

This is an emergency!

After for such long period of wandering without purpose
Lost, living without meaning
I finally realized the need to take some time
refresh myself and relook into my life
Decided to take two days break from that chaos
Hoping I could really set my purpose the right way
find back that thing that drives my life

Accidentally came across this book
" God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hiding under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and placed it in his and answered her question. He held her and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn’t have to be strong. He told her she wasn’t a rock but a child. His child."

Broke down. Because I'm reminded no matter how old I am
no matter how superhero I act like
I'm always the little girl that needed a Father's love
Deep beyond that strongly firm appearance
I still need someOne
Far beyond what I thought as 'being strong"
Even, superheroes, need help.

I was once afraid about maintaining that walk with the Lord
Partly because, I know my relationship with earthly father will somehow affect that God-man relationship.
and I know, for this current state, I need to have the right concept of Him
It is difficult to picture Him through what was being said about Him
because in reality, I cannot really experienced it.

One year more and I'm out of this house in Kluang
Think back.
'I really need to choose to live my life purposefully.'
Trying to set my heart right once again
Trying to live a good testimony

Living life in vain would be meaningless.
Trying to keep that piece of heart together
to leave a legacy, live what is worth living for.

I need to have a purposeful purpose in my life.
This is an emergency.

Reflection.

2010-05-14T17:36:00.003+08:00

Finally, it is over.
It may look as if it is a very easy and small job to others
but at least to me, i'm very much stretched and tested.
Four days may seem short,
but the things and experiences is that much.
Two weeks before been start busying, and coping and coping.
Saw how realistic people can be.
How people react when they stressed out.
How people judge without being in one's shoes.
How people live for their own sake.
How people have to move on, even at times where all the discouragements and criticisms come strike and smack right at your face.

Learnt alot, most of all, experienced the real world.
Despite all these
the tiredness, pekchekness, and discouragements
I thank God for the supports and cares.
For the least of people who understand us
Feeling a little comfort, at least, knowing there are actually people who stand behind us.=]

Once junior now senior.
Experienced what is it called to be "junior"
And really do not wish we ourself
to treat them like how we're treated.
Keep on reminding myself
for a heart of sincerity and heart of service.
Trying hard to be of a good one
yet defeated at the feet of those who misunderstood us.

Four days through
I reflected back my time of orientation
From the time where most of us have not know each other
Amazed at how God brought us together
Amazed at His work through people
Amazed, totally amazed at how friends are now a part of our family.

One year gone.
Unspeakable gratitude.

Half year more.
Hope the changes to come are for the better.
Hope that in the constant environment
people's heart are still transforming through our testimony.=]

2010-05-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

希望你们明白我们的立场.

After tomorrow.

2010-04-29T00:50:00.002+08:00

Turned on TV
accidentally came across this, again
and watched.

The Day After Tomorrow. Where will you be?
Saw how selfish can man be
How people act and react in times of desperation and survival
Human, reflects who they really are, in such times eh?
Between the needs of others, and survival, we rather choose the latter one?
Many times, we prioritise ourselves
even in times where we think we place others above self, Him above self.
For survival and acceptance, for security in this world
We've often been so "ourselves" in every perspective of life.
It is difficult indeed to love others
It is even more difficult to love people as ourselves

Times, where we wanted to be of help
but we just can't seem to fit into the picture
Times, where we just can't help but to move on.
Times, where the trials have to be broken-heartedly accepted, for the better
Times, where we just have to be strong in trials, rather than awaiting for a miracle of a situation changed.

Sometimes, God remaining silent doesn't mean He is absent.
Sometimes, He just have to do this for a better cause.

Thank You, for everyday.
For a fine white sky
For a starry calm night
For merely making that effort to create me
Grow, and care
Love and provide
Nothing could ever explain You
Thank You

我是人。

2010-04-22T17:54:00.002+08:00

有时候
连做自己都难
凡是做什么
都会有人说
就算是做一样没有对错的事情
都会被说
那聪明的世界
告诉我我要怎样做呢?

有时候
自己背后的努力背后的艰辛
只有自己最清楚
做了，不被珍惜也罢
但还被说
累了不想去管人家怎样想了

有时候
自己兴趣喜欢的事物
被说不适合
难道我不配去拥有一样我的兴趣吗？
我也是人啊
只想拥有一样让自己轻松，自己喜欢做的东西
累了
真的是不想去管人家怎样想了
可能事实就如此
不管你做什么都会影响到人家吧

不管了，做自己
至少对得起自己

星星，灿烂。

2010-04-19T20:41:00.003+08:00

那晚
望着夜空
满天都是星星好美妙
好久没有真正去吹一吹夜晚的风了

希望，等待
不想因不对的理由情绪而决定人生
那份不安，愧疚

那晚星星充满着活力
那不息灭的光亮
那不放弃的精神

站在交叉路中
不想失去
怕失去了，会一辈子失去
不放
怕对在前头

选择，还是让时间决定？

或是必走之路，或是问题？

2010-04-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

人面不知何处去，桃花依旧笑春风

友情的定义是什么？
两年来，发现不少变化
有喜有哀
来到新环境
与不同人人相处
到底来说，一定会有改变吧？
散了，回来时，发现，不能。
真的是不一样了
或许不是同样地面对同样的生活
有点感叹
更害怕
以后当大家出去读书时
是不是也会这样

这，也不能怪谁吧
或许这是大家都得面对的吧
最多，尽力维持吧

该放下时，就也该放下了。
不管人家以什么眼光看待你
活出自己最重要

开心啊，不管怎样，都得向前走啊。

Between piano and bass.

2010-04-10T22:52:00.005+08:00

I learn piano initially because I'm told to.
I play piano now because it is something I can use to express myself.

I learn bass initially because I find it a very interesting and pretty cool instrument
I play bass now because I love playing it.

Thank you parents for allowing me to have my own instrument
Thank you teacher-s, young or old, a sincere thank you for nurturing an extra
so-called-talent
and for adding colours into my life.

I really enjoy playing.
and I enjoy those moments in a team and band
and because of you guys
I'm able to appreciate music even more
To know that not everyone have this chance
Thank you.
=]

Oh, Holy Night.

2010-04-08T21:37:00.001+08:00

Are Christmas songs to be listened only when Christmas is approaching?

Today I flip through my song list on my lappy
and found Chris Tomlin's Christmas Song of Worship album=D

Then the sudden thought
do we "only" remember the birth of Jesus Christ every end of the year?
or if we are only reminded about His glorious and noble Love for us on 25th Dec?
or the same thing, why do we celebrate birthdays?
If it is a day thanking the Lord for creating you, or a day thanking your mum and dad
shouldn't it be done every single day?

no Christmas without Christ
no Good Friday without a good God
no birthday without parents
no Josie without Christmas =D

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night, O holy night, O night divine

Faith changes it all.

2010-04-05T20:40:00.002+08:00

Prayer seminar was awesome.
Initially, didn't really expect much.
Thought it will be yet another event where we pray for long looong hours.
But, hahaha!
No idea how to put it together
Cause what is being given and taught to us
is too great and too much to comprehend
I don't think it spoke much about "prayer" actually
more of your whole concept about [what you believe in]
Totally blew off. Totally brought me to view everything in different way.

"Prayer does not make faith works, but faith makes prayer work."
This, I [whoa].
To come to realize that if we keep praying for long hours, but you do not know why you're praying, you do not "really" know to whom you're praying to, meaningless.
Pray, in faith, in which you believe in what you're praying for. Faith is the essence.

"There is no powerful prayer, but only a powerful God."
No such thing as measuring the effectiveness of a prayer through how loud you actually pray, or whether you pray in tongues, or about your "feelings".

We're living in two world at the same time.
And true enough, the unseen is always even more real than the seen.
Anger, guiltyness, disappointments.
Unseen always take hold of what the seen will be.
It potrays on the seen.

Learning to walk in faith, learning to live.=]

Alright, I'm wrong.

2010-03-31T20:49:00.002+08:00

It is a very tough process to hear criticism and comments
good or bad
constructive or destructive
It is even more difficult to swallow our pride and accept it
And it is even difficult to admit that you've made mistakes.
At times when you felt you've done the right thing
but doesn't seem so in the eyes of others
Melancholic perfectionist like me
wanted to just give the best in everything that she do
wanted to know that she really tried her best
firstly have not allowed herself to accept the fact that
"it is okay to make mistakes"
so, it's rather tough to move on from that point
someone who doesn't want to leave a bad impression of herself
is someone in disguise eh?
the human nature of refusing to accept
especially when it comes to mistakes and stuffs

Tough. but in the end of the day, still have to move on.
Made mistakes, yes it has certain effects, but in the end of the day, it is whether you learn from it and prevent a bigger mistake from happening.
It is all about learning, and admitting and say:"I'm wrong"
is a big step I need to overcome.

Flowers shine.

2010-03-23T16:08:00.004+08:00

I love to see flowers blossom
It is....as if you are witnessing season changed
from summer to autumn=D

Anyway, when I was driving and noticed the trees along the road
it reminds me of how seasons change and the things of the world change
so fast huh, its been three months since 2010
and gah, i think i seriously need to be serious
Been trying to tug myself in that comfort zone
Been resting
without putting effort, "nothing is impossible" sounds so wrong
and without giving in your best, it is rather difficult to trust that everything will be alright
and when you felt as if you're the only one not motivated
you ask yourself if you are the problem

If one can do something, but refuse to do it, is it a waste of talent?

People come and go
familiar faces and atmosphere fading
young ones become the new face
once passionate and hungry
once burning
everything changes
and if ever that is
a good thing yet to come
one body many parts
yet still carry greater responsibility
a hope to resume past scenario would be tough
or will there ever be
standing in between
with all the seen
unseened changes is dangerous
unawareness to aware
sheeps in lost
renew i need
come fire, sweep through once again

You made me different.

2010-03-19T23:25:00.002+08:00

One year ago
I don't think I'd know you, you, you, you and you.
One year ago at this moment
I thank God for each of you.
Thank you for always speaking wisdom and open my eyes to another perspective of life.
Thank you for always being there in my ups and downs and for shared gether-ness in that battle.
Thank you for the cares and just being so honest.
Thank you for being there to support and support.
Thank you for being so understandable.

And without you, you, you, you and you. I seriously don't think I will be able to make it to this day.

For all the cares and shares, thank you.
For all the fun and joy and laughter, thank you.
For just being able to spend time together, thank you.
For always brighten up my days, thank you.

Nothing could ever redeem all that precious time.
Nothing could ever express how thankful I am, knowing each of you.

You made me somehow different, being a part of my life.=)

The Motions

2010-03-18T22:17:00.003+08:00

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingless of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?

The Motions by Matthew West
nice song=)

2010-03-15T18:47:00.001+08:00

有时候
是自己太多事
自己想太多
麻烦都不能怪人
一切都是自找的

YES!

2010-03-11T19:50:00.002+08:00

Josie started using Sony Ericsson Z610i @ September 2007
At first, Josie uses her phone with much care
putting a cover over it to protect that precious edition
but then, Josie gradually discovers that
the cover has just hide away the beauty of the phone
it just destroys the purpose of having that front cover
so, Josie decided that she should take it off
2008, 2009, 2010...
and oh, how the colour came off with every single second of joy and hurt
with the banging of it
three years without any services
three years down with so many ups downs with this
Josie is so tempted to change her phone
yet she is VERY glad at the same time
by the condition of her phone
she feels she has really fully use it
although she feels like changing for another one
but she is reluctant to to remove her ownership over that phone
so Josie decides that
she should continue using it till the end of November this year
Josie trusts her phone
that it can last till then=D

还有七个月，不！还剩三个月！

2010-03-08T15:55:00.002+08:00

In a week's time
I have five adults asking me: "Where are you going to study after this?"
or
"What are you going to study next time?"

I wouldn't mind if one or two ask that
but then, the frequent asking makes me think whether I have been not that 'serious'.

Decide, may be the most difficult thing to do.
Not only in studies, but also in many areas
Decision to let go, decision to move on
decision to not to give in to certain things, although your flesh tells you otherwise.
There is no right or wrong decisions
Undecisive, because our mind tells us both decisions have their own benefits
Just like you can't see the end of a long loooonnng road
We cannot really make a decision based on the "prediction" or the results of a certain decision
Plus, we allow ourselves to have so many choices
and we include the probability that:hey, maybe this works, maybe that will work out as well?
Plus, we fear we will regret our decisions
plus so many things else
makes the decision a tough one to make

I made decisions ten months ago
Been through up and downs
despite the responsibilities
commitments
sacrifices plus everything else
maybe taking up a new or additional responsibilities sound so "lebih" nowadays
but if you ask me now
I cannot really tell you whether i made the right decision
you made a decision
bad or good, if there is such measure
I believe, we will somehow grow through those pains and trials
in every decision ba
fall, then climb up again lo
It is only through these things that we grow and learn even more, isn't it?

=)

2010-02-22T23:51:00.002+08:00

大家似乎跌进了那大大的圈子里
一个接着下一个
可能
初初没想那么多
相处久了果然不一样吧
人都是这样的吧
希望自己看不到听不到界线的警钟
因沉醉
理智时发现
不知所措
心知不是时候
但心里的渴声总埋没了规矩责任的存在

其实
这两年
我们并没那么在挣扎于学业
反而是
人生最基本的感情
让我们不知所措

uncertainty, fears me.

2010-02-20T11:52:00.002+08:00

Yesterday he gathered us altogether.
Talked about some serious stuff.
Something that may change all our life forever.
Talked about future-what-to-be

"very heartbroken, when I heard you want to be xxxx."
"immaturity thinking of yours."
"all I require is just you, you, you to behave well."

Torn between anger and giving in.
Always, end up, unexpected.

Future depends on your kelian-ness towards a certain subject
or, go ahead with what you really like to do?
Does all people in the world have to be professionals?
Are professionals the only ones who are recognised as "normal human being"?

其实
心里小生气
为何一个人的未来要由你操控
又
小伤心
我需要
因为你
而改变人生目标吗？

2010-02-15T01:01:00.001+08:00

有时候，是真是假
真的很不容易分辨
不知应相信哪一个
或甚至
应不应该相信

真的假不了？
假的，真不了？

2010-02-10T21:08:00.001+08:00

the world seems beautiful because of the people around.=D

can't wait for the holidays to come!

2010-02-09T20:17:00.002+08:00

很难振作，也很难气馁

不知如何拥有那种不被打败的胆量
毕竟，人，都会在意啊.

sukan!

2010-02-05T22:58:00.003+08:00

I'm happy=D
maybe to others, qualifying for 100m and 200m is just a small matter
but, saya betul-betul gembira=)
yes lah i'm a typical fellow who's not good in sports
so, the fact that me joining acara akhir
HAHAHAHA!
don't know what to say
but just merely grateful
Grateful, yeap=]

Even if I 0% possibility for it
even when it seems nothing to others
people look to those tho wins
but God looks to our efforts in it=)

心里，彻底心酸

2010-01-30T03:11:00.003+08:00

Perhaps, the greatest hurt you ever experienced is from someone closest to you
bonded by blood and flesh
心酸
a scene that you only see in drama
comes alive
tears fall
angry yet pity
unfair yet loving
moments where it's gonna break
hurts the most
when both party shed tears
when i realized i've been not a good one
not at all obedient
all ever known is to defend my right
trying to protect
but ends up even worse

What am I to do?
What should I do?
I, barely, have the strength to face them
tomorrow, next day, and next day.
Where are YOU in our midst?

sudden urge to run out, as far as I can.
fear.
what should I do?
Bandaged with so much hurts within
As the first, heavy burden.
much more than just "heavy" can described.

Today,
I really felt that piece of heart
Broken
Because I've seen what the worst can it be
and the worst is yet to come.

what now.

2010-01-28T16:35:00.004+08:00

abandoned?
Try being abandoned by people whom you care for.
routines and routines.
All ever trying is to be somebody.
You can be lonely even if you have a bunch in your circle.
ever fear?
Hard to continue be like one
when what you see now is not what you expect
when not treated likewise.

What is this hope I feel
It's helping

What is this peace beyond
Understanding

You fix the broken heart
There's healing in Your wings

What is this whisper small
I'm hearing
So far above it all
It's speaking
You're still the sovereign Lord
There's healing in Your wings

A heart is a living heart.held back,hoping, in vain?

worth.

2010-01-26T22:22:00.002+08:00

looked through the facebook comments
all the "i really miss you" does indeed reflect one's impact in another's life.
Fear of whether I've been a friend to people around.
If ever I'll still be their"friend" next time
or just merely some friend whom they need to satisfy their need in this certain of time.
If ever I worth as "friend" in their eyes?
If ever I'd tried my best to be one
If ever I matter to them.
Friends yes a lot. But those who really are?
Can't really predict or judge whether you have been one eh?
who knows, that in the end
you may be just some tissue papers used by those who are in need.
behind the scene never seen.
taught, not to hope for a repay or whatever.
fear eh?
when all you try is to be a friend to all the people around
and when nobody remembers you.

tough not?

lost

2010-01-24T23:31:00.002+08:00

I think I lost the desire to be disciplined=X
no, not being baik-baik student
but not disciplined enough to handle life
SIGH
bedroom is a mess
studyroom is full with unfinished task
car is freaking dirty
3rd floor, 2nd floor, 3rd, 2nd
and meals only down to 1st.
macam hotel??=X

uhh
yeah.
desperately need some lesson to learn
routine by routine, overshadow the real purpose
mess mess: sedikit sedikit lama jadi bukit.
broke, not exactly. but really broke $$.
tak ada duit memang susah.

what a january going to be over
with significant declining self-discipline.==
too busy, too tired or just merely lazy?=X

天空一定是蓝色的？

2010-01-20T17:02:00.003+08:00

老师给了填色作业，图画是一家人在聚餐。女孩最喜欢填色了。就算彩笔盒很小，颜色的选择不多，她也可以轻轻涂上一层青色，再把蓝色彩上，便是深绿色了。

这一天，女孩眼看就要完成一幅家庭聚餐图了，只剩下一家人的鞋子未上色。女孩突发奇想，给每一只鞋子都各上一个颜色，结果每个人的鞋都一蓝一红，一黄一绿，女孩彩完了，拿着图画左看右看兴奋极了，怎么看都觉得这一家人连踏在地上的脚步都是那么缤纷愉悦的。

女孩趁其他同学还在埋头苦干，满心期待地把图画交到老师手上。老师一看，不过五秒，就把女孩的作业簿丢到了地上。作业簿的飞跃，把女孩跳动的心也带走了。老师严厉地说: “鞋子是一双的，没有人这样一个鞋子彩一个颜色的！重新彩过！” 从那以后，女孩一直带着永远无法解答的“为什么”去看世界许多“规定下来”的条规，她的世界对于创意，一路无知。

一大片的天空何须色彩斑斓？因为那是上天赐给孩子描绘的想象啊！

2010-01-18T21:30:00.002+08:00

心知
既然已选择接受
只好尽力去做
默默地
应该很快过吧
不知如何是好
利用我？
看中我弱点？
不公平？
好欺负？

到头来
都是自己的选择
自己得庆幸了吧

学习接受

力不足

2010-01-14T16:44:00.002+08:00

心有余而力不足

recently there's a lot of shocking news.
look into the newspapers..
well, I didn't really have that kind of "very urgent" feeling for all these.
i wonder if i became cold-blooded=X
but seriously, I didn't really have that sense of urgency.
Felt hurt and sad.心酸.but not "sour" enough to make me feel it was very very serious.
if I had already numbed?
if I had lost?
Not bringing myself to the thought that it will become worse.
[think positive?]
Because of a mindset that He will provide and its in His plan.
thinking positive in this way, not worrying, is it bad?

Caring because the whole world do so
Doing to feel good and to please one self
Fake feeling?
a genuine passion and burden, isn't it better than a fake masked feeling?

心有余而力不足

stay save or stay strong?

2010-01-08T23:21:00.002+08:00

There comes this.
and, sigh.
denying because of safety?
asked to, discouraged.
thought that it supposed to be somewhere to lean on.
why fear if you are who you are?
felt little hit.
看见的，表面上，根本不能显示出内心。

oh well.

2010-01-07T16:17:00.002+08:00

Little affected by some changes made.
First week of school itself.==
many works to come
day by day
lectures, homeworks, friends
need to reflect
me, carrying what purpose in things to do
time to get serious.==

By the way, I love scrap booking!=D
Love doing it hehe.

good generation, bad generation?

2010-01-06T19:25:00.000+08:00

Is there such thing as good or bad generation?
How do we see one generation, can we judge one generation whether they are good or bad?
Different people, different experience ba.
Different character, different way of handling matter
if we see another generation doing something, and we think it should be done another way
are we to say?
if our generation is viewed as a more "different"one, how are we to feel?
each one of us, are we responsible for the name carried by generation?
are we to blame?
what defines good?and what defines bad?
some thoughts today.

2010-01-04T15:24:00.000+08:00

其实
有点小失望
我们好像是实验品
我们也需要好老师啊
为何？。。。

i__2009.

2009-12-29T21:08:00.000+08:00

ESPlosion09.Well, it was a very different experience this year. With many said of "bored" or "another routine".Didn't felt that excitement before it starts.Partly because I was too occupied with the jobs and works I have to handle.Preparing for the worship sessions, lost of appetite, not enough sleep, and the "bringing biscuits to practices"...Thank God for somehow making the whole thing works, not only that but bringing us closer together.=)
Tests and trials that happened, made us stronger. Worries and stresses, thought back, actually things are not that huge, viewed tiny little things in life as very huge obstacles.learn to 看开一点.
我是人，大家都是人，怕什么?
for the six of us. 真心感激.went knowing what we should do.spent quality time together, knowing each other, listen to each other.saw them, treating their life seriously.saw their sincere heart, taking out the trash.amazed at how He brought them, amazed at how sincere and open they are, amazed by their boldness and courage to face themselves.Thank God for the works He planted four months ago.感动，说不出的那份感激. Planted seeds will grow in His embrace. Being faithful in little things, you never know what it will bring.

UniformForKids.to see forty plus plus young people coming together to serve the community, amazed.Passion in doing things, not because wanting publicity, or good impression, but rather just a simple simple heart that says:I want to help. What a great day, what an exhausting day, what a fun time together with the kids, knowing that we can make a difference in their life. through joy of playing with them, or love them through giving. We can.做的事情，可能不能看到效果，但，就算是小小的欢乐，他们的笑容，就够了，不是吗？

Carolling.maybe things don't sound right, or look the way they should. or maybe their not perfectly in tune. what we should remember, in all the push and shove, is christmas is a time to love.这句，足以容纳我的感想. actually, at the end of the day, what matters most is the time we spent together, doing things together, going through the same thing together.

Christmas Celebration@Tasik. with all the practices and preparations for this, then 'pop', it finally came. Had a very very fun time playing together as a team. and so it ended,'pop', so fast. Alas, all the things we worked hard and put our effort into, just, gone like that..Yes I enjoyed those moments, but, gone too soon? "O holy night, the stars are shining..Christmas is a time to love.." suddenly, at the thought of:wow, it is finished. all I have been worrying about and all I stressed about, it is all finished. all the efforts and works, it is finished. Felt little heavy. Cannot believe what I have been putting my heart on, just gone like that. 依依不舍，沉重的心，又想起两人孤独过圣诞，没能和家人庆祝。一切过了，又回到校园生活。做不完的功课及将要面对的，突然好像停留在十二月，过着每天和一般人们一起面对困难的日子，总好过将要面对的，想到这儿，忍不住那份害怕，就流下了圣诞节的第一滴眼泪。旁人看了可能觉得很可笑，但，他们永远都不能了解那种依恋过去的感觉。依依不舍，一阵子，真希望时间就停留这个月。

reminded, still, You're stronger. Thank you Lord for this year.

Where Are You Now

2009-12-28T11:47:00.000+08:00

Where are you now that I’m crying again?
Where are you now that I’m hurting?
Where are you now that I need you, my friend?
Where are you now that I’m searching?

Why do You seem to be so far away?
Why is it always so quiet?
Why does it seem that You’re distant today?
Why am I trying to Hide it?

I am Broken,
Worn out barren
You are sovereign, but i don't understand

When will it all be the way that You dream?
How should I feel in the meantime?
When will our faith be a burden no more?
When will I not have to hope anymore?

How Long, waiting, Hope seems fading
Tell me, answer, i don't understand
You say You’ll come down and bind up our wounds

You say You bottle our tears
You say You mend our broken hearts too
You say your love can eradicate fears
I've heard all the answers and hollow advice
I know what they’re all going to say
I’m tired of cliché’s and I’m tired of the lies, I need to feel you today

2009-12-28T00:27:00.000+08:00

复杂的心情
参在一起
依依不舍
沉重
搞好一个叫友情的东西
真不容易
它的水平线
何在？
友情永固？

新的一年
东西做不完
面对的事物
自然不是像从前那般容易
心里的呐喊
需要的，及责任之间的平衡
需要牺牲的
放下的
新的一年
让它成为另一个新的路程的开始
人生，都在学习
虽然将要面对的
可能会更辛苦
心里明白
不管怎样
我还是能活下去
死不了
林凯欣，死不了！

2009-12-03T18:29:00.001+08:00

UHHH.

2009-12-01T21:19:00.000+08:00

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.

It's 1st December. December, can you believe it?
making myself thinking positively
trying to get over the I-CANT-DO-IT thingy in my head
something like when a patient suffering from heart attack
fear came once in a while
and in times, very serious
do really hope that everything goes well
can't completely contain it wholly
hmm
guess this is when I learn, and live?

"Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. - Robert F. Kennedy"

All my delight in in You Lord.

2009-11-28T00:12:00.000+08:00

我，可以做到吗？
半年了，怎么还在怀疑自己
回想当时，还真不敢相信
忧郁总离不开
担心一切
操心啊，真操心
害怕
害怕被人取笑
因为怕自己会憎恨自己
强中自有强中手
在其他人眼中，未必是棒的
时常提醒自己
我并不是因为那些旁观者而活
不能因害怕而不去做
不能因害怕他们的反应
而影响心情
不能因害怕而失去自己胜任这职位的目的
但几百次的告诉自己
几百次，虽然做好任务
却失去其中的乐趣
眼里只顾尽快完成任务
却失去其中的意义
觉得，真的好孤单
好，孤单
需要支撑，最后却是只有自己最担心
不能要求帮忙吗
自己，恐怕都难保
忍住，相信自己，一定可以的
虽然很难相信
但还是坚信可以
我可以吗？
彩虹，依旧是雨过天晴才能看见
要看见彩虹，得穿梭大风大雨
美丽的夜晚
暂忘一切
满怀希望告诉自己
彩虹在等着
而他，在守护着。

2009-11-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

休息是为了能走更长远的路

That is why, man need rests.
rest more so that you can do more

"can do this or not?" "can can la sure"
"er, can help do that?" "urm, can la can la"
"must do this.." " oh ok"
"today free nt?can do this?" "urm, i think so(la)"
"this one le?very fast de la" "OH"

God doesn't look at HOW MUCH you do, but the effort and sincerity you put in.
so while this sleepy head is typing in front of the computer, she is trying to tell herself
please, say no when needed.

"all the guiltyness in rejecting, shoo!!"

2009-11-16T19:04:00.000+08:00

感伤的一天
我，变了？
原本该开心的一天
学习，就是那么痛苦吗？
我，活得太舒服了吧。。
得到想要的东西
越是变得更自私
是否
失去了目标？
为了满足其他人的期望
不敢说不
心里真自责
为何自己那么不争气
一丝丝的愧疚
为何不能像以前那样成长？
似今年
停滞在原地
繁忙夺走了视线
我麻木了
原本应继续燃烧
欺骗自己‘没事’
其实不知不觉中
离开了应走的那条路
雨天
清洗了我
让我看清我自己
忍痛得对自己说
我并没达到那地步
忍住痛
坦白地说
我做错了
可能今天
就是那么地特别
礼物是发觉自己的不足
忍心吞下自尊
不完美的礼物
可能会是让我成为
更好的人

"much is given, therefore much is expected."

2009-11-15T00:16:00.000+08:00

sometimes, it is great to have own little space
to ponder upon things
enjoy the little things that we did not realise
sometimes i wish
i can have a place where i can
shout it out loud

another phase!

2009-11-02T20:45:00.000+08:00

exam=worries over?

Thought exam will be the last few things to worry about
but sigh, it just doesn't eh?
thought i can have a great great rest, but things seems to multiply
i really long for that day, that week
where i can put all worries off
where i am not bothered about anything
where i can just rest
Sigh. Life's like that i guess?
things don't stop coming
and me=ppl who stress for every single details=(
cant be worrying for the rest of life eh?
view and handle calmly, joyfully?
fear about what to comes
really=X.been out busying for half a year.
lost the touch of"lalalalala" life
lost the moment where i just can have a single second of"what should i do now"
lost the moment where i can close my eyes and, rest=(
i really am desperate for rest, such "peaceful rest"
yet a feeling that i wont
a feeling of "helpless-ness" and of..

sometimes, being a child of God, we forgot how to behave like one. Blinded by the things of the world, we forgot to trust in Him like a little girl do, speak to Him like a child and enjoy His presence like how little ones enjoy their childhood. in Him, can we find our innocence back?

Saviour King, You are, indeed.

2009-10-21T22:14:00.000+08:00

And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

2009-10-15T23:38:00.000+08:00

when we listen to songs
what affects our choice?
when we're sad or hurt, we listen to songs that are comforting and slower, does it adds to our hurts and make us more emotional than us being usual?
hmm
Just a thought.
=D

2009-10-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

One and half more weeks : dinner
two more weeks : exam
and two more weeks : holidays

so fast huh? can't believe i actually spent half year in Form 6 already
how i wish for november to come!!
Sigh
I guess it's true that
no matter what you do
people will advise you to do
do something, do more, do other way round
when incidents happen
some people react very strongly
and decides that something "big" should be done
some people merely just pass it off
let go and move on
self-frustration
coz unable to decide
which should be the right way to solve this
personally, i let it off
as a whole, how?
sometimes
it is just so difficult to balance
when to fight for our rights?or when to learn to submit, just as how He forgives?
fight for the "rugi-es" suffered?or swallow it off?
i really wonder how politics exist XD

"learn to step out of comfort zone.reach out to others.act it out."
many times we heard this, many times we listen, but how many times do we actually act it out?
isn't it meaningless, if we learn something, but we do not use it when needed?
if we are placed in the situation, do we actually take the step?do we actually have the courage?
when we know we should do something, but not doing it, isn't it considered disobedience?
'pek-chek-ness'.realise how tough is it, that we'll not listen, but act it out.

Lights should be put on lampstand, and not underneath the table.

2009-10-06T22:36:00.000+08:00

有时候，我做了那么多。
我需要的，
只是你们的支持
你们的体谅
我不能分身
对不起
有时
真的是有事情
不能参你们
不知是我的问题还是什么
但我现在
最需要的是
鼓励和支持
我要求的
只是这样

也许
责任
真的不能要求回报

2009-09-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

wake up, school, homework, projects, eat, then sleep.
sigh.

over-worked?
too busy and worn out for someone who has many commitments on hand.
conclusion -30.09.09 : busy till numb is meaningless if you're doing it for the sake of completing it.

Last week's sermon
It doesn't matter how many good deeds you do, what matters, is the heart.
yes it is good, to do, serve and help out
but if, we carry a wrong purpose, no use eh?
doing it
because knowing that i, can make a difference
too late to regret of taking up commitments?
since so, have to do my part well.(but difficult...)

really obvious that i've neglected my studies
people always say: aiyeah, you can do it one lar, your results so good.
sorry people, over-praised and over-estimate my ability
but, i really am so left behind
couln't help but to feel a lil worry
when trying to have faith.

"release the burdens you were never intended to bear"
amazed by what He plan, and do=D

because of fear

2009-09-19T22:19:00.000+08:00

I think
I'm just too worn out eh?
we had a great prayer meeting today
for me, it was a breakthrough, the unity of hearts after months
felt rather guilty
felt very condemned
felt as if I have not done enough
felt as if i'm not doing what i suppose to do
i realized.i've been living under world's perspective these few weeks
and when it came to God and me just now
i just felt that
i'm not worthy to be in that place
i'm not worthy, just not worthy
to stand before Him and say:Lord, touch their hearts!

busy+busy-ness+stress+school projects+expectations
i couldn't help but to try to fulfill everything
to do everything i can
but, its too much eh?
doing too much, that I forgot the basic and the purpose of "me, being here, on earth"
and how ridiculous of me,how can I do that?
am just speechless, my responsibility isn't it?
i let disappointments and discouragements and emotions dwell in me
i know i've to move on, but somehow, i can't pull myself away from it

i've lost it, and i want it back.
i've no idea how am i sustaining through this one year
i really have no idea
family expectations, studies, school, friends, YFers, the people around?
please Lord, how?

Faith.I need You.

a break to busy-ness, i hope so

2009-09-17T16:36:00.000+08:00

AH!
Finally, another break!
really hope that i get sufficient rest
of all the projects
of all the responsibility to do
of all the particular things to take care of
of all the plans to be done
i can't stop but thinking, when will this end?
when can i have a REAL break, since last year?
ah, sigh, it is getting tougher and tougher isn't it?
the weight, heavy.
really heavy
and i thought after last week, i could have rest for at least a moment
there goes something, responsibility of mine
and i just couldn't hold back the frustration
broke down:"Father, why?"
my fault, weaknesses, keep accepting what people give
don't dare to get help
in the end the burden becomes over for one person
ah, priorities to set on
"be wise in your decision"
discern, the more important ones
after all, i'm really numb-ed
by all the tiredness and busy-ness and stress
that people will not understand
you think it is easy to lead?
it is not for me
at the edge of all expectations
i not only have to grow and rise
but i need to cope with other responsibilities
cope with expectations
with things
ah, it is like, can't afford to do the little things
talking to people
having closer relationship with each other
cannot stop but feel a little hurt
little ache in heart:"how should it be done?"
i'm always near, so near to the breaking point
so near
tired everyday?
i have just no idea why i keep dozing off in class!
seriously, i feel very frustrated
taking back the H2Os
always, the time spent at night ended very briefly
for a long time
have not been joyful, delighted
and for once
i just hope that moment
where i can rest in His arms and say
"You made my day"

2009-09-15T16:19:00.000+08:00

How can authority forces us into donation?
Ahh, so frustrated.
It is just unfair.

time for some...

2009-09-13T23:01:00.000+08:00

AH!
I think I've reached a point where I cannot cope
here, i admit that i'm not the typical person who can handle stress
and i'm just so so very stressful!
ish.
I've been like "everywhere" for the past 3 weeks
and it came to a point where
i cannot do everything
yes all the things that you do may be good
but even among those, it comes a time where
i've to set priorities on
the things that come 1st
time for some reflection
to know that
even if i holds certain responsibility
it is not for me to say "yes" to everything
i cannot do things by myself
that's why I have a team

sigh, i lost myself to emotions so easily
overcomed so easily
and i hope i can really share it
my burden?
it is like, i cannot carry all the weight by my own

had the wrong priorities
had the wrong time for emotional breakdown
and i'm sorry
had the wrong thinking in mind
had the over-randomness in studies
had everything mixed up
and in a sudden
i really need to seek and just have a time
all for me and Him
quietly listening to Him
I need a solution out of all this!!
i really do. and i didn't meant to affect others.
i just want to be honest.

sigh.All I need is You Lord.

am I rebellious?

2009-09-09T19:40:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I was scolded by teacher.
and today, I "kena marah" by another teacher, and pinched by another one.
am I that rebellious?
what i was doing is just talking(softly)to my friends beside
neither front or back, but just those same row
neither loud.
imagine sitting in the lecture hall, not interacting with the friends beside you
imagine listening in the class without some laughter to make you more attentive
because they know who I am, that's why they say
high expectations because they thought i can be what they expect?
what to do
must submit to authority.moreover, someone who take the effort to teach us.
but if you stand in my perspective, i would say that someone is strange if one completely took silence throughout everything.
not healthy.haha
i guess, this is what we call teenager huh?=D

bloated mind

2009-09-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

recently, I have been having tonnes of sleep
and i thought that would prevent me from sleeping during classes
but urgh, it doesn't work at all.
and i wonder if the problem is with me.urgh.seriously.
it is so difficult to know you have different commitments
and you try your best to cope all
and in the end, i, become exhausted.
ahh, it is just so impossible to focus on things more than one
time to learn eh?

now i'm just so "slackish"
because I know how bad my results will be, He will provide a way
Because I know it's in His plan, I kind of, urm, not concentrating?
is it because I trust Him, or it is something i have to work on?
when is the time I need to put my effort in?

You gave me hope
You make me whole
At the cross
You took my place
You showed me grace
At the cross where you died for me

And His Glory appears
Like the light from the sun
Age to age He shines
Look to the skies
Hear the angels cry
singing Holy is the Lord

sometimes, i wonder

2009-09-02T21:14:00.000+08:00

today after school
i went back tired, little bit out of the world
and i stopped and wonder
'who am I?'
you may think its funny
but for me
i think i've reached a point where i'm exhausted of being in"different identities"
as the eldest daughter in family
as a student
as a friend
as a helping hand to the needy
as child of Him, which carries an extra privilege and responsibility
really leh.
at times, i forgot i'm the president
forgetting the way i should behave?
i don't want to be the one to please everyone's expectation
people may think i should behave like those who used to be
but,i'm not them leh
He created everybody differently, with different strengths, and different attitudes, isn't it?
different expectations
but something have to realized is
i've just started, and couldn't I make mistakes?
everything came at the same time and i couldn't afford to focus on everything
i guess
when i'm tired, it indicates i'm depending on my own strength and not His
just be yourself.sigh.i would love to.
but when i'm being myself, i always get some advices and ....
i would like to be someone whom I know and the reason He created me.
sometimes, i really wonder
who am I today?
who are you today?
who are you serving today?

may it be:"I am His Child who only seeks to obey Him"

Freedom is responsibility.
with greater power comes greater responsibilities.

Change, and be changed

2009-08-25T16:03:00.001+08:00

Sunday and Monday: was extremely tired.

Sunday was ChangeYourWorld!!=D
you know, when i stepped into the hall
i felt really touched,i wanna cry
God's work is indescribable
when people come coz they really want to come
when they really listen to what is being spoken
when they join us below together to sing the songs
the heart of them, willing to come, significants something is changing in their heart
change, is starting..
though at the end they began to feel tired
i still thank them for being able to come..
friends!!your presence, we appreciate it lots!=D
in the end, it is not the event that matters, it is the changes that the event brought, that matters.

Monday, we went into the railways with 1AM and one awesome bunch schoolmates!
really saw the worse, and how ppl live without the basic needs of life
am really really encouraged by friends, the heart of compassion of theirs
really really..
still, important to remember that
one-day-good work is nothing
only continuous helping counts
sigh, this is the tough part?
to sustain that passion to help, when you've other commitments

"evil triumphs when good men do nothing"

Lord, sustain me through all

2009-08-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

不知道为什么
今天心情好差
噢
好自责的咯
生气自己
为什么不能balance
自己
是那么的贪心
感叹咯
为什么自己这样子
明明就知道
是有苦衷才不能给
心里却
死都要

想哭出来
但每次都忍住
怕人家说不坚强
怕人家说经不起风吹雨打
每次忍住不哭却让人误以为我不想讲话
又惹来不开心
难道不能哭吗？
说我没去管四周围到底发生什么事
这是我的错
我呢？
我经历的，似乎担心我的学业多过我
感觉上
少了支持

不知自己是不是有问题
为什么偏偏是我，要经历的那么多
家里，学校，外面，都有不能说的压力

好自责

b u s y

2009-08-21T20:57:00.000+08:00

one week holiday
yet, no feeling?
urgh
even holiday, still so many things to do.=x

i discovered the fun and joy in taking photos of gates
haha!just something that i want to do, if i have camera=)

urgh.i know i'm greedy, but i just wanna have the freedom to drive so badly=x

2009-08-19T22:17:00.000+08:00

You know what?
When you boldly do and obey the things that He called you to be
even when you do not know what it is to come
He will do miracles

wave for salvation
towards
wave of salvation

is it clear enough what He wants?=D

Change Your World.Your future begins now.What is stopping you from changing your world?if we do not start changing, who will?

"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Margaret Mead

2009-08-18T21:12:00.000+08:00

today was great!!

you never know what God's gonna do when you speak=D

when certain thing's finally over
i thought i can really have a rest
but somehow He doesn't allow
more challenge
even more tough
to come
at one thought i think i can
at another, frustrated why i can't have proper rest
sigh
time to stand up

if everyone cared

2009-08-16T12:24:00.000+08:00

don't know why.
but somehow
today is beautiful
and the days ahead will be beautiful and promising
for once today
i'm delighted=D

d e c i s i o n s

2009-08-13T20:00:00.001+08:00

Today, I stopped taking piano lessons =x
i only left Grade 8 theory
and I know it's only till next year's march
what a waste(i know it is)
hmm.still, it doesn't means i stop playing piano
and it will still be fun=D

sometimes it is just so difficult to make a decision.
为什么做决定那么难？为什么不能有一个选择，一个决定？
not choosing between right and wrong
but choosing between the many "rights"
thinking whether i can take it or not
fear of the latter regrets=x

words.
different interpretation
didn't even realised it hurts
recently, lots to think of..

it was a rainy day.
dark and stormy,
reflects the inner battle within
and how God turns it
into peace
with the promise of a rainbow=)

2009-08-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

we may be weak
but our spirit is strong
people may tell you: you can't
but now i tell you
you can
trust.have faith.
and you really can=)

tear it down

2009-08-10T20:14:00.000+08:00

Tear Down The Walls

Tear down the walls see the world
Is there something we have missed
Turn from ourselves
Look beyond
There is so much more than this

And I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this
Fire deep inside my heart

Look to the skies hope arise
See His majesty revealed
More than this life there is love
There is hope and this is real

Cause I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising
As Your glory floods our hearts
Let love tear down these walls
That all creation would
Come back to You
It’s all for You

Your Name is glorious
Glorious
Your love is changing us
Calling us
To worship in spirit and in truth
As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters
Who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You
We will see Your spirit rising
As the lost come out of hiding
Every heart will see this hope we have in You

Cause I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising
As Your glory floods our hearts
Let love tear down these walls
That all creation would
Come back to You
It’s all for You

2009-08-09T22:51:00.001+08:00

I feel really.....
I really do.

2009-08-09T00:28:00.000+08:00

With greater power comes greater responsibilities

=)
=(
=x

Hope

2009-08-05T22:06:00.000+08:00

Today, there's a hope.
That grew bigger with courage.
i began to wonder
why are we fear of their response?
we open our mouth, He anoint our lips
at least, a chance was opened to them
and it's then up to God to make the seed grow
excited. i want to see how it can touch their lives.
hopefully, it will be something that sparkle questions about life in them..
hopefully, it will change lives and worlds.

r o j a k

2009-08-01T20:21:00.000+08:00

It's the beginning of August liao.
hmm.so fast hor?
two more months then two-month holidays ady.
our class..starting to be more friendly liao?
the ice melted a bit lor.
a bunch of us behind the class will always talk(non-stop)haha!
Praise God for them...
at least
they brought some laughter and joy into B2
environment do scares people away.
Dunno lieh. our class, too quiet?
until people actually feels so stressed up there?
missed an oppurtunity to reach out to someone.really guilty.=(
start to look at the bigger picture?that actually someone in the class needs your accompaniment rather than others?
really feel guilty.really.
and I'm sorry for not being able to reach out to you.hopefully, if i've the chance again.

Different people in different page
people always can't live up to your expectations?
maybe, they have their problems also..
sometimes, you've a certain passion
but when you ask for support and help
people just seemed not interested and not keen
like,alone.
seriously, it doesn't feel good.
after all, can't blame them right?
they maybe have their things and works to do
they may have a different kind of passion
leads to different thinking?
stand at higher ground
but miss those basic things?

balance between things.not easy at all.submit.but at the same time stand up.

exam over already!!
everybody around is talking so happily about their plans after exams
me?no feelings lie...
guess.everybody else did study, and I didn't?
that's why I don't have that kind of happiness?
Still, praise God.You brought me through this.

Change Your World quest.
anticipating.yet fear.
hmm.
hope it will really motivates and inspires people.
really do.
after five years in convent, didn''t really get to touch their lives.
This two years
hope can make some changes and differences lor.
been waiting for 5 years, but, no fruits?
Patience..in His time ba..

This Friday.excited=)

2009-07-28T15:21:00.000+08:00

This.Is cool=)

More here!

2009-07-28T15:04:00.000+08:00

these are some "nice-to-watch videos"
maybe we can consider doing it in school.haha!=)

=)

2009-07-28T14:37:00.000+08:00

Today Chemistry, 死掉一半。

Bio, 睡觉+做梦。
don't feel as if exam-ing lor.
good thing?
at least, it is for me.
to know that there are actually more things than just this four days
and worth lots more than this.
so basically, stress=0.5%
dunno leh.
does it means I let go already?
of the unnecessary stress?
more difficult(for sure lah)
but I have like "don't care whether I study or not"
even how bad i do
God will still provide a path?
the safe and dangerous boundary here.
trust Him.
but is that over-trust or what?

break a smile!!

2009-07-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

Ahhh...
too stress??
feel like relaxing?
take a look at this clip..
it definitely will brighten up your day=)

!!

2009-07-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

From today onwards, 22 July 2009
I made a commitment to fast from
FACEBOOK!!

Ah.just so tempted the 1st day itself.
but hmm.
suddenly, when facebook is taken out of daily life
seems "nothing-to-do"
haha.
see.
the addiction and its power.

facebook, we'll meet again after National Day=)

are they strange?or am I?

2009-07-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

Dunno. I reached a point where I just can't stand it.
the "concept of reality"
the "desperate-ness" of the people
more attention?
dunno leh.
everyday sure will come in touch with some of these..
and will doubt that : am I the problem?
the worldly character..
gossips?and xtra-special things happening around?
I admit, it is very easy to be lured into this type of things
that's why I worry
being influenced the way it's not suppose to be
coz the world keep talking about the certain topic
can't help but just being helpless
it is like trend. the make-ups for them?
to show that actually they have?
my focus like being crushed on by waves
hmm..trying to pull me in...
is life just circulating around that topic?
like.if you're not like that. you're abnormal?
helpless.
uncontrollable "un-tahan-ness"
but how?
standing strong on our ground
but often.
influence of the other side is always overwhelming
and sometimes
we even fall into it without realising.
just a thought.
but seriously, i discovered the "real"..
and it's not good
that's why
we, shining lights, is important
to shine=)

t o u g h

2009-07-20T20:13:00.000+08:00

AHHH!
it's gonna be a tough year, for me..
challenging?
hoenstly, i sometimes wonder why i take it up
but erm. somehow i just took it up
have to really find a balance in between
though it's really difficult
sometimes i wonder: why me?
but always. it ends up this way..
contradictions. pressure. fear.
I don't have that kind of maturity..
but ut haven't even started yet. and gotta face it already..
gonna be tough in the coming months huh?
studies. family. YF. friends. services. ministries.
really have no idea how to cope with it..
dunno leh.
i will think about why people make things so complicated, since God make things simple for us?
all in all..honestly, i don;t know what will happen
and I don't know whether the team will work out well
but God, You used this to break me. and You promised that You will heal..
so I trust You..

I don't know why it is me..
but everything is in Your plan.
by faith. I hope I can.

sick=more medicine?

2009-07-15T19:22:00.000+08:00

ARGH!
the suffering, the misery of being sick!!
ish.why sick?
more medicine comes with sickness..
seriously, reaching a point where i don't feel like eating medicine anymore
the terrible-ness of its side effect!

=(

he will because he promised.

2009-07-13T20:45:00.000+08:00

Hmmmm.
I realized something.
when He promised us something.
He will somehow allow authority to allow us?
it all comes back to the plan.
if we are appointed to do something
he will give us the choice to choose
and partly, whether we agree with His plan not?
power is not necessary needed to lead?
more of character i guess.
not that of the world recognised.but Him?
i sometimes find power. can over-powered us and take control of the whole situation.
Becomes our pride instead of ourselves?

Take me deeper,
Than I’ve been before
Take me further,
God I long for more
Take me higher,
Than I’ve been before
Jesus I want more,
Jesus I need more

He will. Because it is promised.it is sought after.

to embrace S.M.I.L.E.?

2009-07-11T22:15:00.000+08:00

we all have a choice.
choose to be +?or -?
everybody is created differently.
so naturally.different opinion.
then different point of view on the same thing you're looking at
sometimes when certain things happen.
we always tend to think of complicated things to resolve.
yet what is needed is just a simple simple solution.

If you're feeling hurt and sad today, then cheer up!!
He cares for you.more than anything else.
wouldn't want to live your life "sadly"?
everybody sure has their own problem
why some people can brighten up our days?
the joy of the Lord ba?
Be delight.
think of His promise and love.
and it is far more enough to make you smile=)

When you see only one set of footprint, it was then that I carried you.

e x t r e m e?

2009-07-09T23:24:00.000+08:00

Hmm.
Don't you find that sometimes.things are very unpredictable?
like.how people changes without realizing.
can people be one extreme and be the opposite extreme?
dunno lie.t i r e d.
honestly, reaching to a point where i almost wanna give up.
t o l e r a t e?
keep giving in.and the more we suffer deeply.
to avoid.or to embrace a hope that:hey,i can change you by speaking into your life?
m i x e d.
"aiyeah.just say lah.just tell lah."
"don't want lah.later hurt feelings only."
different v o i c e s.
time to realise?
that actually what I need is His voice?

i don't really care if i kena criticized or what.
sure lah.it hurts.
i am like "nothing".a big "halangan"
felt like
ah.my intention.forgotten and unseen.
so in the end?
me = e x t r a?
dunno lie.
i want to be a friend.
but sometimes.in some situation.
you just have to bravely do what you should do ba?
no use.standing beside a train.
and ponder whether you need to hop into it?

m i x t u r e of
e v e r y t h i n g
but
it all comes down to
o n e
c l e a r
m i s s i o n

Real=Dark?

2009-07-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

Sigh.
Sad.
the world is like that?
Seriously.disappointed larh.
what in the world.............?
why?
out of jealousy?out of nothing?
too free?
reality.really real.
cannot stand it.
why so dark?
why create so many unwanted thingy?
sigh.
people just want extra attention?
alter and exaggerate on issues?
seriously.disappointed.
but am encouraged how.
in the midst of all these.
true people care for each other.

Nothing can hurt unless you give it the power to

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

- Dr. Seuss

2009-07-07T21:20:00.001+08:00

"We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking only to learn that it is God shaking them."

- Charles West

2009-07-07T16:42:00.000+08:00

Dunno lie.
Why like that?
Why P L A N S changes?
You adapted to it.and somebody come and tell you.and you gotta leave.and change?
Is it His plan?
If it is,why changes?

A M A Z E D

2009-07-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

Am just amazed at what He can do.
hmm.speechless.

Some people try to listen to the bottom of a bottle
Some people try to listen to a needle in their arm
Some people try to listen to the money in their pocket
Some people try to listen to another's arms

You and I are not that different
We got a void and we're just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We'd give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior

Some people try to find it with blind ambition
Some people try to find it where no one else has gone
Some people try to find it in the crowns of victory
Some people get defeated and lose the strength to carry on

You and I are not that different
We got a void and we're just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We'd give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior