♥ Torn but still alive.

School.

still alive. Friday, April 8, 2011

Since last week, I've been fetching my youngest sister back from school everyday.

It is always delightful to see how the young ones enjoy their school.

Seriously, the joy of going to school, anticipating every tomorrow.

I guess, the school itself plays an important role in this too.

I can't help but to miss those moment back in primary and secondary school.

It is so different now, you can't spend time day by day, you have to make major decision unlike those times where our biggest worries perhaps is our examination.

I know I have to move on, stop depending on the people around and move on.

Things will change, circumstances will change, perhaps the people that you mix around with will change too.

I'm on crossroads now. I have dreams, but there's always obligation and obstacles.

When you know God has plans for you, do you still make every effort to try the impossible?

When you hate being somewhere so much, will God put you there, evenmore?

Will it be better to sacrifice my own dreams, to lessen the burden on someone else?

So many to ponder on. So much to think. So much of worries.

So much of fear.

to the top! || 5:16 PM

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still alive. Sunday, February 27, 2011

Ever have some situation where you just can't get along with someone, even if he/she does nothing wrong to deserve that?

Or, at the sight of someone you get irritated? Frustrated?

I have. Till a point I think that he/she deserve it. [ As if I think I'm right ]

But then as time passes and I enter into the same phase he/she is going through

I begin to understand the many little things and actions I used to judge and dislike

Things that irritates me, frustrates me

We really don't have the right to judge them if we are not in their position

Perhaps the same applies to parents?

While in our teenage-rebellious period now we have all the reasons to complain about the nags and advises they gave

They have their reason for doing so, it all meant well isn't it?

Someday I will enter adulthood too haha.

Who knows I maybe the next target of being judged right.

Let's not judge. But respect one another.

to the top! || 12:57 PM

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Next Step.

still alive. Thursday, February 24, 2011

Got my results two days ago. Praise the Lord for whatever He has given me, truly thank the Lord for His faithfulness all the way through Form 6!

Well, what's next?

Future doctor?

You know, I'm really tired of the way people look at me and their expectations.

Don't I have the freedom to choose something I want to study?

Should I obey authorities or my passion?

Should I follow the norm of everyone?

Whatever it maybe, I know it is a tough journey ahead.

And now it is a different phase of life altogether.

We used to not to worry about our future because during primary, we eventually go into the secondary, and likewise for everything, till we reach the phase of life where applications and interviews and so on is all that matters.

Well I guess this is when adulthood starts?

Stress right.

I pray that the Lord will reveal His plans and ways every step of the way.

to the top! || 12:20 AM

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Between letting go and holding back.

still alive. Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I, I really feel terrible now.

When you allow things to grow with time, it becomes ain't easy to let go

And for such a long time I've been naively thinking I can still have a close relationship with the Lord with all these

And I've been so selfish, fulfilling all my desires but forgot the One who can truly meet all my needs.

And with this, I know I've to bear the consequences of my decision

What more, a broken friendship, which requires time to heal.

Sigh, I think back, I felt for once, as if I'm the most sinful person of the world

As if all the while I've been a disappointment to all my friends without realizing

And worse of all I hurt many people with my actions..

It's tough for me, it really is. I feel terrible when I made a mistake, what more those who affect the people around me. I feel condemned.

And all the while I've been giving myself excuses to hide and console myself from all the mistakes.

And to walk out of that condemnation, to let go, and stop compromising to my own needs, is perhaps the greatest lesson the Lord wants me to learn this season..

I do not like hurting friends, but by making myself so-called-perfect in front of them, I've unknowingly hurt them and disappoint them. I've been making myself a fool. Really.

And the truth is, being ultimately honest with each other, is perhaps what true friends is about: not to condemn one another, but to help each other to grow. Not being perfect in each other's eyes, but to see the imperfections, and love each other.

Where else can I turn? but to the love of God?

to the top! || 9:47 PM

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still alive. Sunday, January 23, 2011

Well when you grew older, especially now that I'm not schooling anymore, You realized many things were not as expected. Especially on the things that in the past you assumed it's the right thing to do. Things change? Needs change from time to time too? And when all the so-called right things were done, the only thing you can do now is perhaps, admit that you're wrong, seek forgiveness, let go and stop condemning yourself? Well. It's perhaps one of God's test on me. And...I think I failed it seriously...when all I need now is the courage to let it go. Also, to bear the consequences. Things get tougher when you're older, consequences get worser too. I've been working at my dad's clinic for quite sometime. The hectic life of it, morning till night, doing your job and caring for the patients, it's really not easy. And I realized for that moment, the reasons for many of his behaviour we once complained about, and everything was so clear. Very guilty about how we treated him in the past. I know he worked very hard for us, the fact that he has been supporting us for ten twenty years us not as easy as I think. This is a great experience, for giving me a glimpse of his life.. And of course understanding him in person even more. Nothing comes easy, and I know whatever future it may be, It will not be as easy as the past. Same goes with letting go, forgiving.

to the top! || 2:53 PM

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The Day I was Born.

still alive. Wednesday, November 17, 2010

17 Nov 1991.

It's been 19 years.

And now one more year, I'm entering into so-called-adulthood.

Fast huh?

Time passes super fast, this may be the last time I'm celebrating as a student in Kluang.

But I thank God for these fruitful 19 years

Having also a bunch of great YFers to hang out with

Schoolmates whose laughter never fail the "real fun school life"

Most of all, my dear ones in my family who always provide, always caring

Forever understanding :)

Well, I guess, life still have to move on yea?

Impossible to stay on the same page forever, memories are there to remember for.

Greater things are yet to come

I hold on that even if I'm leaving this wonderful place with wonderful people soon

the Lord still bless each of that relationships

In His Time, in His Plan.

Into the 19th year, Lord, be my guide.

to the top! || 3:58 PM

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Not in school.

still alive. Thursday, October 21, 2010

Alright, so I'm not in school today, where I'm supposed to be in the classroom now.hehe.

Listening to Brooke Fraser's Albertine. Reaally nice! =D

All of a sudden, cant help but to envy those successful people, no matter in areas of music, life or just simply everything.

Really hope to be like them.

Or, can't help but to "hope" to have a little of their talent.

Talents that bring you far and deep.

People always say : " Everyone is different. Each has a talent within, you have a great potential, etc."

But then. Should I even believe it?

When talent is not found

Or rather, one potential you have, that is really "unique"?

God-given talents, when does it prevails?

Will it be your life?

Is it even worth to think about what to do, when you cannot really find a talent within?

Some thoughts.

to the top! || 10:17 AM

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Usual is unique

still alive. Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's been quite some time since I go supper with family

And, it's those time where I felt happy for a moment

being able to gather together happily

Even with the continuous routine of going to school, come back, do homework, etc

For once, I felt it's those normal-normal moments which are unique in my heart.

Life does not need to much self-initiated activities or over-participating of gatherings to make it radiant and look alive

The nature of life itself, God-given, is already special, unique, the routines stand out more colourfully than all other.

Let life goes on a slow pace, and you will realised there are far too many things we missed

In our pursue of success and excellence, and of status and popularity

Despite all these, what's important is rather the unseen, than the seen.

Too often, we concentrate on all the things on the outside

But neglect those relationships that maintain the heartbeat.

And when all things failed,

Relationships, are the one who keep us going.

So let's keep it going, that it'll be able to keep us going.=)

to the top! || 12:25 AM

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Thursday afternoon.

still alive. Thursday, October 7, 2010

7 oct 2010. 3.30pm.

Alright so exam finished around a week ago and I'm in the "relax-relax" mood..

Yet I know the fact that the real thing is coming real soon in less than a month's time.

Struggling between work and play, balancing between fun and studies and fellowship is no doubt one of the toughest thing to do.=S

Got back from school, youngest sister pulled over a superlong sad face, thought she was having so-called quarrel with her friends, little did I know she took out a trophy from the closet later, what a surprise from a 6-year-old..

We had photo-shooting session in school today where everyone is to be on the year-end book. This maybe the last photo shoot with our uniforms on together, or, our last photo with identity as students. It was fun, though the waiting time tired out almost half of them. Wont have such next time anymore, can't believe we gonna finish our form 6 in two months time..

Cousins in US and NZ kept asking me about my plans next year, also, asking me when I'm going over [ sounds more like a promotion of the country they staying in to me.==.haha!] Parents and family members also asked the same thing. So I thought about it and I can't really figure out. I don't want to be follower of other people's expectation for me, but I really want to do something I like to do. Problem is, even I myself have no idea what I like..==..

So, cousin asks me to visit US during May June next year, sounds exciting, I wanna go but I don't think I should plan it now yet, what if something else pops out of nowhere by that time. But I really want to do so, I want to go around the world.=D

Okay! I guess, it's not the right time to think about it, let God's plan flow above mine.=)

to the top! || 3:12 PM

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Flaws?

still alive. Sunday, September 26, 2010

Honestly, I ALWAYS feel that I'm not good enough.

Not good enough for anything

Always think that : people will do a better job than I do

and even to a state I felt as if I'm really useless

The things that happen around

makes me question my existence

I know I make mistakes, and fail....

and constant verbal rebuke makes self-condemnation even stronger, in me

Sometimes I cant understand

why people only see the weaknesses but not the good?

It is really difficult to accept my flaws

whatmore, the responsibility given, where I could have done much better

I wish...I wish....what if....I could have....

Too much of these, as if I can change the past

[Irreversible]

Nothing could change what had happened and that's it.

It's really tough to accept the [me] in the history

Trying to accept

Christ lives in me and no longer me!

Grace defines who we are, not the worldly labels.

to the top! || 5:29 PM

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